Hello dear watchers, (and whoever else),
I have waken up. From the terrible illusions. I got rid of the brainwash i've been through,
and I'm not going to fall into this one again. Too many things have happened,
I have too much info, too much proof I shouldn't stick to a couple of ppl, who dumped their responsibilities on my shoulders.
I can see the world again how I saw it before, and think brightly.
..Judge everyone, and put ppl faces in their own crap. I'm not a boss. I'm a leader. And I'm trying to be a good one.
My ideas work, I listen to ppl and modify my ideas if they don't function properly, I handle responsibilities. That's what leading is.
I have a load of guilt to live with, things to do, to handle, to take care of.
And a diarrhea. Of ideas. As the usual.
Fighing the depression, both - mine and my BF, but my BF has a priority, cos he has a heart transplant and diabetes..
So I should take care of him first, and supress my depression (lol).
I've been through a lot of pain and dissapontment lately, the dosis of it was uber, and it caused me to hallucinate.
When I felt pain, mental one, I had these visions of an orange telephone in the desert. An old telephone.
Then I heard it ringing. Some days ago I saw it again, and I saw myself near it,
my cartoonish hand picking it up, my face and orange phone near my ear.
And then other visions started, me talking to the family, but it wasn't me anymore. It was Her.
Glady's crazy ideas. She showed me again how my body parts should be replaced,
and I shouldn't be one of those "pity humans" ever again.
For a long time I was thinking who the hell is she.
1)It's possible that I'm schizophreniaс,
'cos I barely have any memories during her controlling my body, everything is like in the mist.
2) It's a type of some mental damage caused by continuous stress, or uberdose of stress.
Then I just realised that there can be number 3. Glady is a defence
system created by my not-so-healthy mind.
That it might get turned on when I felt too much mental pain. And how do get hurt mentally?
When ppl who I care for a lot screw everything up and don't care about me.
-That happened recently.
I'll try to keep my Glady turned off for as long as I can. I still want to be a human, and most important - a woman.
(She wants to protest against "pity human" formalities, and for me to have a gender IT,
name Mata and serial number made of date of birth, plus model number,
and I don't really want to have robotic arms, or to end up dead in the surgery)
So u see how things are like? A lil' creepy. I'll go to psychologist, I promise you that
But right now I have responsibilities. I hope in 10th of September things will be easier for me,
if I'll receive money of the house again. Long thing to explain.. But I'm managing the food and finances.
I just need more time to make things to work better, and to DO the necessary things, and to finish things I need to finish.
Then I'll make a list of the doc's I need to visit, and start with the psychologist.
Haha! Wanna see his face, when I'm going to tell him all the shiFt I was through in my life, and about my childhood.
I need a good doc, not brainwashed by some church, or atheism, a more phylosophical and understanding person,
but who can also give me the other side of view, teach me something, explain me something about myself and my behaviour.
But right now.. I can't go. There's enough trouble around me, I need to solve that first.
I have too much things in my head to think about and to care about. There's no space for psychologists research.
But I'm functional! I do the stuff I need to do! And in case I have pills! A lot of them! To calm down and drop sleep.So please, dear watcher/customer, acknowledge that I cut on drawing for a <enter period of the time here>
'cos I have more important things to do. Excuse me for being a wussy bitch and not finishing my artwork at the proper time
I need to put more effort if I want to be a better artist. I need to be more responsible at drawing.
Or I will stay in the shadows of the internet all my life. I have changed my dA name, it's a new improvement for my galery and portfolio as an artist, I don't plan to drop drawing and improving!(I have paid 45 pesos for the damn premium membership, and I wouldn't have done that if I wanted to drop everything!) So, if you love my artwork, you will need to wait.
And remember -Love withstands everything.